The Esa Chronicles
The Esa Chronicles is a series of emails that take place between 2003 and 2004. He kept the emails on his PC and later uploaded them to his Mr Odd website. (Source) "Esa" is a code name he gave the girl he was emailing.
Greg later posted more emails he sent "Esa" in 2005 to his Evolutionary Saga Blog.
Not too long ago, I was wearing cartoons on my shirt, and shorts seemed to be the only clothing I enjoyed wearing. It seemed my entire life was pretty, and everything in the world… my world, was warm and caring in its own way.
As I progressed in life, many troubles appeared before my unsteady eyes. I realized that all the good things in my world were only a small portion of a larger existence; a larger world of people that seemed to be unlike me in every way other than the mandatory physical activities required to survive.
Ever since the time the clouds cleared, and my mind no longer took snap shots, but rather recorded every event in its own brutal reality, I have fallen.
As you have said, one’s own actions and even personality can be based off of how they were raised, yet even after I was raised, society… people brought up differently than I, seemed to spit in my face, turn their shoulders when I was beaten, laugh in my face, and threaten my very life.
In the desert, every lost soul’s dream is to discover an Oasis… a patch of nutrients and water, food and even hopes of surviving another day of the harsh conditions.
In my past, I have indeed come across areas of water, yet such areas had made me sick from the pollution… and yet I still drank… as one must divide between the alternatives… those I had not seen or felt to be existent.
Through each person I find in my life, I notice different qualities, and different charms to make my days ease by with a comforting emotion… After each individual… after each section of shallow waters, it seems I learn more, I feel more; yet as I continue on through my life… my desert… it seems I desire not to look back, yet rather remember, and with that move on into my future.
It all seemed to begin when I gain my conscious and my advanced detail in memory. I don’t touch stove tops anymore when they are heated, and I don’t listen to music so loud my ears ring… with this in mind, those who have fallen behind in the days past, shall always be the past.
Esa, you are an entire section of my life… a part of it in which I will remember until the day I die, or the day I suffer from amnesia. You are the Oasis I have sought for so long… or so I believe this is true. I don’t want to move on further through the desert, as I have neared the conclusion that there is no home other than the one far behind me.
My warmth lost in childhood is gone forever… my ignorance towards what is positive and negative has faded so much that it seems I cannot fail in identification anymore… when I look at you, I do not see flaws, I do not see corruption. At times past, I have on impulse sought out ways to completely eliminate anything that seemed to take you away from my ideal and aspired perfection of you… yet as time passes, I only find discover that the imperfections seen upon you were only a reflection of who I am… no one has influenced my emotions like you have… there is so much warmth in your eyes, in your presence, and it seems that I am where I always wanted to be since the time of my last days among fresh air.
You fear that one day I will turn on you… that the light inside your soul will dim in my eyes, and I will no longer consider you the oasis worth drinking from… I have come to find a person who will not deceive me, is inspirational, is intelligently argumentative, is capable of meaningful conversation, is beautiful in every possible physical way I could image, is a positive attribute of society, is an advanced intellect, is knowledgeable, is loving in most all situations, has a future, is understanding, is modest, is honest, and seems to offer every other aspect I have ever wanted in a person…
I can’t say any of the things listed are even slightly questionable… and because I realize all these things, all these elements of which I have sought out in this world for so long, I can do nothing but push my heart, mind, and all substances representing who I am towards a time in which I desire so dearly to embrace once again.
Maybe in a common perspective you are not all the things I listed… maybe other people do not see what I see… yet I have found you, and my only curse is that I sometimes feel you have not yet seen me… that this amazing and powerful individual does not recognize me for anything more than another face in the crowd of lost loves…
My fears are the same as yours… I realize that now…
I feel you perceive me as physically unattractive.
I feel you see me as more of a negative person over a positive one.
I feel you lost interest in me as a lover because of a loss in interest regarding my mind and my body.
I believe you conclude that you are a more intelligent person than I am.
I feel you don’t have faith in me, and my future.
I believe you would find a way to spend time with me if you actually wanted me around.
I believe that you favor a friendship with me because you don’t want me to have an excuse to accuse you of not caring, as friendship requires less maintenance than a relationship does.
I feel that since the time you suggested we be friends instead of lovers, you also perceived me as more of a nuisance than a welcome visitor in your life.
I seek out a relationship beyond friendship because you have satisfied me in more ways I have ever been so before, and with all the mentioned considered, I fear losing what has made me happier than I have ever been in my life.
I believe you do not respect me enough to credit my words with concern or logic, but rather assume I am speaking the same words I have spoken to others in my past, or that I am too young and inexperienced to believe what I do.
I don’t lie, and I know in my mind exactly what I believe is true. I am bluntly honest in most all scenarios, and you are no alternative to my truth.
It seems like the more I speak, the more I hurt your image of who I am; yet this destruction has not been a one way event. I realized today that the longer I put off calling you and attempting to salvage our connection, the more I die in your eyes, and the more your face disappears from my mind.
Humans are built for temporary pain, just as our most vivid memories can be a vague detail later on. I honestly am at the stage where I reminisce in our past events yet see the present image of you as cold, and inconsiderate of my emotions.
I have a hard time standing close to fires, as I become sick of taking hints from you that I am worthless, even though you may not see it now, you have suggested that my value to you is very executable, and even more so depleting.
You placed so much happiness in my life, and you made me realize many of my own faults without even a suggestion of such, and you have given me the inspiration to aspire towards the future in being a better person.
Yet not once have I felt like a better person due to your words… I honestly often times feel worthless when I am around you because of the way you treat me… as if my time were insignificant, as if my love were lost and confused.
It’s mortifying that you can love me like a boyfriend one day, and not want to kiss me the next… I feel I have done nothing to deserve your neglect, and yet I stick around… I continue to call, and tell you how important you are to me, and this world.
I speak my mind, I’m not ugly, I could love an ocean till it’s warm, I am a writer, I am a poet, I have ambitions, I care for my family, I am honest, I am strong, I am a problem solver, I am going to be a good father one day, I refused to hurt anyone unless they first hurt me, I venture towards happiness, I treat all deserving living creatures with respect, and all my intentions are for the benefit of those I care for.
You don’t love me as a boyfriend, and I have doubted that you will even love me as a friend as I strongly feel you won’t back up your words with actions.
The only time I have ever felt love from you is when you look in my eyes, and no words are spoken, yet every “I love you” has been in response to my words of mutual feeling to you…
Today I believe you have taken all I have given you and thrown it to the back of your mind as if it were a television commercial, or a lame joke.
I want to see you care, I want you to make time for me to be a part of your life, I want you to show me how important my friendship is to you, otherwise, I cannot offer you a time of day, or any oncoming moment of my life.
Before I impulsively decided to stop talking to you, I did this so I could have an excuse to why you never called, so I could feel a sense of worth from you again… yet as only a couple days passed by, I realized that you did not even plan to get me to talk with you again, it was as if you had no motivation to salvage whatever we could have had.
You said I have been deeper inside you than anyone has before, and yet I can’t help but feel that I am the most distant person you know.
1. In our friendship, how would you like me to treat you? Would you like me to be there for a phone call? Would you like me to try and spend time with you? What is it you want from me?
(Why are do you say you want to be my friend, and then never attempt at talking to me again?)
I’ve been feeling less than complete for the past few weeks now… months even? [looks down] Ever since the time you decided that we should not be together… it seems as if my emotional life has only fallen below the depths of my past experiences. [sighs softly]
When I’m with you, I am bombarded with thoughts, you witnessed it just recently… I look into your eyes, I listen to your voice… I have such a hard time reasoning out why we are not together anymore… I know, you could not make me happy before as you could not call when I wanted you to… and we could not spend time with one another when we wanted to… I don’t want my future with you to be changed for the worse due to times… due to outside interference… I can wait as long as you want me to wait, as long as I know you love me… as long as I can call you my lover, instead of explain to others why I speak so highly of you, and yet sit at the status of relationship I am at now.
I love you Esa… there’s not denying that, even if I tried, I could not change how I feel. I have made a few attempts at moving on… so many seem pathetic and bold reaches for change even though it only emphasizes on my denial.
I believe that there is not a plan for everyone… that when we are down, more than not, we are left alone, to suffer, to beg for something that will never be… it will never be unless we stand on our feet, and make our own way through the most hectic and stressful of events… and we’ll do so with a smile.
I don’t want anyone else… and my mind sometimes tells me that you feel the same way. I have taken so long to move on because of my desperation to avoid letting the most vibrant and beautiful light in my life… die.
Apparently we do need to learn much more of each other’s minds before a life dedication… maybe you will never want that. I am only more stressed out knowing that our situation is, in so many ways, undefined… or more so, that I do feel this way, even though such feelings are apparently unacceptable.
I know the way to get past all of this however… and I do realize there is more to this than what I am told… [looks down] I want to kiss you again… I want you to embrace me, and I want to know that you love me, even though the trials in our lives conflict… to love is to deny surrender… I can’t give up until I see through these confusing suggestions and questions on my mind… and in my world.
Loving me will not ruin your opportunities, nor will it harm your educational situation. There is no “meant-to be”, there is a “made it so”, and I see our future as what we make it to be… I see our fate as our own personal selection… whether or not coincidences occur, there will always be decisions…
There is a void… a hole in my heart… it is not that you once filled that hole, yet rather never encouraged it to open. I am so confused, and I hate mystery stories unless it involves comedy. [frowns slightly]
You made me the happiest I had ever been, and I know you felt some, if not all of what I have… I can’t desire any individual different than you… I’m not willing to let my emotions act on impulse, or fade away quickly… such events would not be fare to either of us…
I need you to tell me some pure truths… all the questions will be blunt… in reasoning of such, I need to know the answers, as I am worn thin of asking myself questions that I cannot answer with a sure feeling… please think over these questions, and call me as soon as you are able, and arrive at your father’s house. I appreciate blunt honesty, as these are like-wise and bold questions.
I. When I visit you, would you rather be alone, and physically close/loving with one another?
II. What specific restrictions does your Mother have against you and I being alone?
III. If there were no distractions or priorities in your life, would we be together?
IV. How often do you think of me? How attractive am I to you? (blunt)
V. Question will be asked on the phone based on answers… many questions are planned out in my mind for all situations.
[sighs deeply] Like I said before, I will answer any question you ask me, up-front, and honestly.
I want you to date me again, I don’t want to have only one memory of waking up next to you… I am beside you until you ask me to leave. Through your education, occupations, and alternate priorities, I will work everything out with you.
I still seek out the bond we had before… I loved knowing that you were there, with me through all my stresses, that you cared/care.
We should have never broken up… or maybe this has all been a test of wills… regardless of all things, I belong with you, I feel, so deeply, that you have the ability to fulfill all of my desires in life, and I seek out blissful emotions in you as well. I love how you ran your fingers through my hair, and kissed me with such passion… I know I’ve made you feel wonderful before, as you did mutually… I hurt to imagine losing a chance for future occasions… warmth’s from you in my life.
[looks away] I miss you Esa… all of you.
Please call my house soon… I’ll be here.
Something I have learned through life is that the good ones lie few and far in between. For the past few... days... weeks... Esa, you know it's been months... well... I've been kicking myself. For all this time, I have kept my promise to you when we broke up... [shakes head] No... no dear, you broke up with me... because I kept my promise there as well. "The only way this relationship is going to end, is if you decide to do so." And in our past... my past... you did exactly that. All this time, I have been faithful and true to something... someone who does not even know it. The same someone who will most likely never read this, or even desire such words that fill my mind in randomized moments of my weekly life.
I miss you... missing a person is a purely default feeling, and with that, I still fail to care for the facts of how common every emotion we experience is. In this world... well... maybe in the past time, when I was with you... it seemed like everything we did together, when we disappeared into the woods, and were left with only each others air to breathe, nothing in my life, nothing I had ever done before, or planned to do... mattered. It was just a lucky boy, and a beautiful girl (in mind and body), together, alone in the natural creations of this Earth.
After the first days of our mutual affection, my life had changed for the better, yet my mentality changed for the worse. All I wanted was to be near you, with you, only you... this became a problem. My relatives became upset with neglect and my temporary empathetic-less attitude towards everyone other than you, and those you claimed as your family... honestly it was as if I had disowned myself, and fully focused on rooting myself in a place positioned in your life in which you would later be unable to remove... because you would not want to [smiles slightly]. I was wrong though... you are much different than I had originally thought. You are accepting of many flaws I have had troubles forgiving, you are a free mind that tried to survive in my world of rules laced with bars, you are stunningly gorgeous, while I am a shadowy figure, who always finds a corner to view the full area... except it only seems I am able to seek out the flaws of those around me... and in this I am lost, possibly unable to escape my perspectives...
I knew what made me feel good, that was seeing you... feeling you... hearing you. I forgot about everything else, and by departure I have found that I am better off... I think... I hope so. In one of our last conversations, I told you I would not be able to love another as much as I did you... and would possibly never date again. It has been months now... seven? Ever after I have sought out someone to fill the impressions left around my mind, heart, body by you... and my attempts at turning my past words into a lie have failed completely.
I don't want any other, for when I try to seek out a new face, I can't help but remember yours... love yours... If you were to enter my life again, I would thank every beat my heart made to keep me alive long enough to see you again... I would breathe every breath to the fullest in order to embrace my life force to the fullest extent --- I hear these things make you live longer... I want to hug you again... but I shouldn't, because I may hold you too tightly, or simply forget to let go. I want to kiss you again, but I couldn't, for I fear I would wet your face with my tears of joy... pain... sorrow.
Some people say that when you push a person so far, that they can break... and no one could ever fix them. To be broken forever. I'm afraid that after all the journeys I have traveled through the life of love, my emotions have broken down... and my mind keeps trying to start them up again like a rusty car.
You always seemed to doubt my love for you, and in the end you seemed to have run away because of it... you wanted to live your young life in venture of the many uncrossed elements, and less than a year apart I had already finished my travels... only to find you, my home. You questioned... and now I want to tell you the answer, the truth as I always said it before. I know I still love you, I cry still when I hear the first song you ever burned for me on CD, I think of you in my past without regret, and continued promise of eternal love... I would end my life now, in order to dwell forever in our past... the first moment your body pressed against mine... the first soft kiss you gave me without request... I want to live it all again, and yet I am forced to look forward... another line of white turned to gray destined to die... black.
I imagine you will leave for college soon, and I will never hear or read from you again... I fear I will never... [sighs] When I drove past your house to get to my cousins... I looked away when your image crossed in front of my car... I can't bare to see you not wanting to see me... I believe the rest of my life will be just like this with you... when you win your awards on television, when you are recognized for your noble peace, when I think of you... I will look away. The day I see your eyes again is the day I cry, the day I die inside, all over again.
I love you... Esa... although it seems living and loving you from a far is torture on my soul. I can't see you, because I don't want to, but I want to, but I won't because I respect you, but I look at your car when I drive by, but I look at your house when I am near, I can't help but look, hoping I'll see you just so I can look away, so I won't tear up all over again...
None of my pain ever mattered to me... not enough at least. I will continue to remember our past, and deny our future... I will continue to keep my silence, and refuse to call you for fear of intrusion. I will continue to respect you by not showing up on your front step placing you in an uncomfortable scenario, I will continue to still my fingers from writing you letters unless they never reach your eyes... I will continue to act like I don't exist to make sure your life is full of peace, and continued contentment... yet I will also continue to love you... because loving you is better than forgetting you, to lose the memory of the most beautiful sky on the most wonderful day is to suggest that living our lives is not in aspiration for ultimate bliss, but rather survival... I have experienced ultimate bliss with the girl I have never...
I would give everything to love you like I did before, once more...