Onisiondotme Blog 2013

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Onisiondotme is a wordpress blog Greg ran from 2012 to 2014. This is a text archive of his 2013 entries. (Source)

2012 Text Archive, 2013 Text Archive, 2014 Text Archive

Onision Facebook Drama

Posted on April 1, 2013 - Onision Blog

[Selfie of Greg lying in a bed]

Unfortunately I am completely unable to access my Facebook due to my recent decision to add fans to my personal facebook page.

I sent out 2,000+ requests using facebooks email address book application, so it’s kind of ironic that I am now prevented from signing in as it is essentially facebook’s own design that caused this.

When I try to log in now, I am faced with 6 opportunities to identify people on my friends list, but as you can guess, I am unable to identify these people as I have never met them, I only sent the requests because they are fans.

Long story short, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to access my facebook again, their support system is pretty bad as I’ve sent multiple requests for help, and they’ve done nothing.

Have you ever had problems with facebook? Yes No

@FACEBOOK FIX THIS!

Posted on April 1, 2013 - Onision Encore

[Embedded video]

Right now I have ZERO access to my facebook page 😦

April 1, 2013

Animated GIFS

[Greg posts 28 Gifs from his videos as individual blog posts]

My Dad Cheated On My Mom

Posted on April 1, 2013 - Onision Speaks

[Embedded video]

What do you think she should do in this situation?

ROBOT FAIL

Posted on April 2, 2013 - UhOhBro Videos

[Embedded video]

Did you think that tattoo was freaky? I kinda did.

LIFE SUCKS

Posted on April 2, 2013 - UhOhBro Videos

[Embedded video]

A collection of fun images that emphasize the suck-ness of life… or not, depends on how you look at it.

April 2, 2013

Animated GIFS

[Greg posts 6 Gifs from his videos as individual blog posts]

5 COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT ONISION

Posted on April 3, 2013 - Onision Channel

[Embedded video]

The amazing thing is, some people actually believe I am these things… oh internet!

Battlefield 3 With Lainey

Posted on April 3, 2013 - Onision Archive

[Embedded video]

This was actually pretty fun… now if only Lainey would learn how to play… 😀 LOOLOLOOLLOOOL

Hot Vs Not

Posted on April 4, 2013 - UhOhBro Videos

[Embedded video]

Do you agree? Are these people attractive? Or… not so much? 🙂

Last Relationship Video

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Speaks

[Embedded video]

[Image of video thumbnail, Greg's face with the text "LOVE GOING NOWHERE"]

I don’t really want to talk about people’s relationship problems anymore, so hopefully this video will sum everything I’ve said in the past up, and allow us to talk about different things in the future. Contact Me: http://onision.net/contact

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FACEBOOK

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT FACEBOOK

(1) KNOWING WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS White: So I hear you got an abortion. Rod: *drops jaw in horror* White: You ok? Rod: I didn’t say anything about an abortion. White: Yeah, but your boyfriend did on Facebook. Rod: …oh. White: Aren’t you a hermaphrodite?

(2) AWKWARD OBLIGATIONS TO ADD PEOPLE Dad: So I noticed you didn’t add me Vickie… Rod: …what? Dad: On facebook, you didn’t add me yet. Rod: You’re my Dad, that’s lame. Dad: And you were an accident. Rod: Funny, that’s what mom says about you.

(3) PEOPLE CONSIDERING IT A FORM OF SOCIAL VALIDATION White: I have seven hundred friends on facebook. Rod: How many of them do you know in real life. White: Um… Rod: 2? White: …yeah. Rod: Here’s a gun. White: What’s this for? Rod: Do I have to spell it out for you? White: …yes.

(4) THEY DEMAND YOUR REAL NAME Rod: My name is Rod, Danger. *phone rings* Facebook: Yes hello, we noticed you’re a FUCKING LIAR and put in the wrong name. Rod: Uh… because I don’t want stalkers. Facebook: Riiiight, we went ahead and changed that for you. *looks at screen saying “Shaqueesha Jarmain”* Rod: YOU BASTARDS Facebook: Would you also like your social security number public as well? Rod: *hangs up* AHHHH!!

(5) RELATIONSHIP STATUS CHANGES ARE AWKWARD White: So… I heard you broke up with your boyfriend. Rod: What? That was like, thirty seconds ago. White: Yeah, you should know… I’m kinda in love you. Rod: But you’re like… my cousin! White: I don’t have to be. Rod: What does that even mean!?

(6) WHAT YOU DO ON FACEBOOK HAS REAL WORLD REPROCUSSIONS Dad: Hello? *voice* Hey this is work. Dad: Oh… do I need to come in or something? *voice* Yeah, no, if you could never come in again? That would be great. Dad: What? *voice* We saw your facebook post about your feelings on the boss so… Dad: But my facebook is private. *voice* Yeah well, Tim in accounting is on your friends list and he went ahead and let us know you photoshopped a donkey penis into the boss’s mouth. Dad: Well if I’m fired then I can finally say what I’ve always thought of you, you… *hangs up* Dad: FUCKING PIECE… hello?

(7) PARENTS USE IT AGAINST THEIR KIDS Dad: Honey, why were you at Stacies getting drunk last night? Rod: How the hell did you know that? Dad: Facebook. Rod: You’re not on my friends list! Dad: Yeah, but Stacy isn’t a parent hating brat like you so I’m on hers. Rod: WHAT!? Dad: Yeah you’re grounded forever.

(8) EX’S STALK YOU USING IT Rod: OH MY GOD HE’S ALREADY MOVED ON. Rod: OH MY GOD HE’S ENGAGED. Rod: OH MY GOD HE GOT HER PREGNANT!? Rod: OH MY GOD HE GOT MARRIED? Rod: OH MY GOD HE GOT HER PREGNANT AGAIN!? Rod: OH MY GOD… wait why don’t I get a fucking life? White: You know I’m still available. Rod: I SAID YOU’RE MY COUSIN!!!! White: That makes it even more hot.

(9) THE GAMES DESTROY LIVES Dad: Hey honey! Rod: What fag? Dad: I have like 40 cows in Farmville. Rod: Wow, how long did that take you. Dad: Well, it took me a while to even figure it out, but after two weeks I go… Rod: JK I don’t care? Dad: Oh… Rod: So hows the job hunt going? Dad: …what? Rod: You know, finding a fucking job so we’re not homeless. Dad: …I have 40 cows on facebook. Rod: No one cares. Dad: *looks down sad*

(10) FORGETTING YOUR PHONE NUMBER IS PUBLIC TO ALL YOUR “FRIENDS” *phone rings* Rod: Hello? *voice* I’m touching myself right now* Rod: What!? *voice* I’m tickling my pee pee… mmmmmm…. Rod: Who is this? *voice* Mmmmhmmmm wouldn’t you like to knooowwwww… Rod: Is this Richy from school? *silence* Rod: I added you to facebook because I felt sorry for you. *silence* Rod: …hello? *voice* Keep talking I’m almost there.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SANTA

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

[Image of video thumbnail, Greg dressed as Santa with the text "PISSED OFF SANTA"]

1. HE HAS AN INCREDIBLY LIMITED VOCABULARY Santa: HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Rod: Oh hey! How are you Santa? Santa: HO HO HO! Rod: Are you good? Santa: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Rod: Are you goood? Santa: HO HO HO! Rod: Are you retarded? Santa: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2. HE GIVES PEOPLE THE FALSE IMPRESSION THAT YOU CAN EAT ALL YOU WANT, GET FAT & STILL NEVER DIE Santa: I stay alive feeding off the souls of children. Emo: I heard you say that. Santa: SANTA COMBUSTION POWERS!!! Emo: WHAT? Santa: AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Emo: AHHHHHHH!!! *boom* Santa: Ho ho ho!

3. HE OWNS SLAVES Interviewer: So… when did you decide to murder all the other elves? Elf: When I realized we were all doomed to serve Santa forever. Interviewer: Are you suggesting you’re a hero to the other elves? Elf: He had us working day and night, year around, to make toys for billions of people. Interviewer: What did you do for Santa? Elf: I was in the adult section of the shop. Interviewer: What did you make? Elf: Blow up dolls… vibrating devices… KY JELLY ISN’T JELLY, IT’S JUST MY TEARS!!!!

4. HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT WHAT THE HOLIDAY IS REALLY ABOUT Chibi: It’s so awesome you celebrate Jesus’s birthday Santa! Santa: Who’s Jesus? Chibi: The… greatest man to ever live? Santa: I thought that was Ghandi. Chibi: No! Jesus turns water into mind altering/alcoholic beverages. Santa: He’s a drug dealer? Chibi: NO JESUS IS NOT A DRUG DEALER!!!!

5. HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING & AWAKE, HE KNOWS IF YOU’VE BEEN GOOD OR BAD… HE’S A STALKER Rod: UGH! Finally I’m alone! *begins to remove pants* Santa: What are you doing!?! Rod: God!? Santa: No, Santa… Rod: Oh… I was about to jerk my Penina. Santa: Is that what you call your hermaphrodite genitals? Rod: YEAH!? SO!? Santa: What you’re about to do will only get you coal for Christmas. Rod: Oh yeah!? And what does a stalker pevert who watches people pleasure themselves get for Christmas!?!?!

6. HE MURDERS MY SUBSCRIBERS AND TURNS THEM INTO POOP Banana: I’m a banana!!!! Santa: Come here so Santa can eat you. Banana: What!? Santa: I’m gonna cover you in chocolate and sugar sprinkles. Banana: That’s horrible! Santa: You got any family? I wanna eat them too… Banana: *backs away horrified* Santa: Yeah, make a banana pie… maybe fornicate with them. Banana: *screams as he runs out the door*

7. HE’S ALWAYS SMILING, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO YOU, HE’S A SOCIOPATH Rod: You didn’t get me what I wanted for Christmas. Santa: *smiling* Ho ho ho! Rod: Don’t you HO HO me you scumbag. Santa: Merry Christmas Rod: Do you feel anything!?! Santa: HO HO HO!!!! Rod: I wanna put you in a wood chipper feet first, just so I can see the expression on your face as you die. Santa: …MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Rod: Really? Santa: HO HO HO!! Rod: SHUT UP!!!

8. YOU CAN’T KILL HIM Banana: Try to kill my family will you!? *shoots Santa in the head* Santa: *lying there dead* Banana: HA HA HA HA!!! Santa: *comes up behind Banana* MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! Banana: AHHHHH!!!!! *looks at the ground and santas gone* Banana: AHHHHHHH!!!

9. HE DOESN’T VISIT HOMES THAT DON’T CELEBRATE HIS HOLIDAY Chibi: Hey Santa! Santa: Merry Christmas! Chibi: Yeah, thanks, why haven’t you ever given gifts to John Stewart, Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal & other awesome comedians? Santa: Why Chibi… Chibi: Yeah? Santa: That’s because they’re all JEWS! Chibi: AHHHH!!!

10. HE BREAKS INTO PEOPLES HOUSES *show santa crawling through someone’s window* Dale: *runs in with baseball bat screaming* Santa: It’s just Santa!!! Dale: Why didn’t you use the chimney!?! Santa: YOU DON’T HAVE ONE!!!!

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SUPER HEROS

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

[image of video thumbnail, Greg dressed as Joker next to superman with the video title]

10 THINGS SUPERHEROES.Still00210 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SUPER HEROES

1. Really obvious alternate egos. Superman: Time to transition characters! Superman: *runs in building* Clark: *comes out with glasses* NOW I’M CLARK KENT!

2. Always let the villain live. Superman: It’s time for you to go to jail Joker. Joker: Congratulations SUPERB MAN, you’ve done what Batman couldn’t. Superman: And what’s that? Joker: You’ve killed the Joker. Superman: Oh, I’m not going to kill you. Joker: What? Why? Superman: Because that’s against my moral ethic. Joker: But I’ve escaped prison many times before, I will kill again. Superman: And I’ll stop you again. Joker: After I kill more people you mean. Superman: Yes. Joker: I would say you’re impotent, but I don’t even think you have a dick. Superman: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that, and rise above hate. Joker: OH FUCK YOU.

3. Fan costumes are almost always shit. Batman: THIS IS THE 500 DOLLAR COSTUME IN THE FRONT. Batman: THIS IS THE 500 DOLLAR COSTUME IN THE BACK Batman: UNHAPPY CUSTOMER

4. In real life they’d die instantly. Batman: *busts in the door* Alright joker, sto… *gets shot* Joker: Way to go out with a BANG batman. Joker: *laughs*

5. They ignore logical alternatives. MASKED GUY: *Guy walking into house with gun* Batman: I’m gonna stop that guy! Captain: Hey. Batman: What? Captain: Why don’t we just call the cops? Batman: Uh, because I’m Batman. Captain: Yeah, speaking of which, you’re a billionair, why not just pay people to do this for you? Batman: Because… uh… Captain: Like seriously, you could get way more done with a 20 guys working for you than doing it yourself. Batman: I never thought about that. Captain: And like… if you die, Gotham slips back into darkness, but if they die, you just replace them. Batman: …wow. Captain: What? Batman: My whole life is a fucking lie. *gunshot goes off* Captain: Well… guess our job’s done here. Batman: Haha, we suck.

6. Police treat them like crap. Superman: So, this guy here almost raped and murdered five Mexican boys, I stopped him. MASKED GUY: *laying on ground* Cop: Yeah, we’re gonna have to take you into custody. Superman: What? Cop: Yeah, being a vigilante is illegal. Superman: So is raping little boys, which I stopped from happening. Cop: Yeah no, go ahead and put your hands behind your back. Superman: I’m gonna punch a hole through your fucking head.

7. The thousands of super heroes no one remembers or cares about. *IMPROVISE*

8. Embarrassing cosplayers. Captain America: I LOVE CHEESE!

9. The tights. Pink Ranger: LETS GET THIS GUY! Red Ranger: LETS PUT ON REAL CLOTHES FIRST Pink: Come on! We gotta get this guy! Red: No… we gotta put on real clothes. Pink: *stares* Red: *walks away* Pink: FAG!

10. Stupid abilities. Superman: What can YOU do? Alien: I can shoot sperm out my eyes! Superman: …are you serious? Alien: Yes! What can you do? Super: I can shoot heat beams out my eyes, fly, I’m nearly indestructable, I have super strength, have super speed & a couple other things. Alien: Oh. Super: What can you do again? Alien: I can shoot sperm out my eyes. Super: …and you’re here because? Alien: I’m applying for the JUSTICE LEAGUE! Super: No. Alien: What? Super: No. Go home. Alien: *looks at superman* Fuck you. Super: No fuck… *splat* Alien: *walks away* Super: Yeah really mature.

Muscle Man Story

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

[Image of Greg dressed as Vicky reading a paper]

Man: Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me… Woman: No. Man: What? Why? Woman: You’re too scrony, you couldn’t protect me. Man: OH! NO PROBLEM! *runs off*

*exercise sequence*

Man: *comes back muscular & flexes* So how about now? Woman: *laughs* Man: Are you laughing at me??? Woman: You look ridiculous. Man: Stop making fun of me!!!! Woman: …I’m sorry… Man: Well now I can protect you so will you go out with me? Woman: Hmm …no. Man: Why??? Woman: Because I don’t exist. Man: *mammoth hit on shocked face* Woman: I’m just the vivid memory of the girlfriend you killed and stuffed in your attic three months ago. Man: THAT’S A LIE!!!! Woman: *no one’s there* Man: …LIAR. *cut to attic with legs sticking out* Man: *staring at attic* *cut to attic again* Man: Oooh yeaaahhhh.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EMOS

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

[Image of video thumbnail, Greg dressed as Emo Charlie with the video title]

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EMOS

1. THEY WHINE CONSTANTLY Emo: God! Jessica won’t call me back! MY LIFE IS OVER! Loz: My mom won’t let me go to WAL MART! Emo: Our lives suck! Loz: We should kill ourselves. Emo: Or! We could just live on torture everyone around us with our pessimism and whining. Loz: OMG! Let’s make out because most every Emo is sexually confused! Emo: OK!!!!

2. THEY’RE BASICALLY CHRONICALLY DEPRESSED HIPSTERS Emo: Ovens are too mainstream. Loz: Spongebob was cool till it went mainstream. Emo: Sleeping in dog kennels is way better than sleeping in beds like the generic masses. Loz: Bands that make money are sellouts. Emo: Crapping in the toilette is too mainstream.

3. THEY WRITE CRAPPY POEMS Jessica: Hey Charlie! Emo: Hey, I wrote you a poem. *hands her poem* Jessica: *receieves poem* Emo: *smiles really big* Jessica: I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, take my heart, smash it, kill me. Emo: Do you like it? Jessica: *vomits* Emo: *charlies face covered in vomit*

4. THEIR MUSIC IS BI POLAR Emo: *listening to Emo music*

5. NOTHING CAN MAKE THEM HAPPY Jessica: I love you charlie, I want to give you my virginity. Emo: I want to die. Dan: Here’s $40 kiddo, go buy an emo CD or something. Emo: I want to die. Phone: Charlie, your great grandpa just died and he left you millions, how can we pay you? Emo: I want to die. Phone: …ok… so… when you do die, who would your beneficiary be? Emo: JK, I just say that for attention, go ahead and wire it to me.

6. THEY SUCK AT KILLING THEMSELVES Dan: Charlie you ok? Emo: Mind your own business! Dan: You just got out of the hospital… I’m just checking in. Emo: You should of let me die when I swallowed all those pills! Dan: You can’t die of overdosing on VITAMINS idiot! Emo: …oh yeah!?!? Dan: YEAH!!! NEXT TIME JUST PUT A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH!!!! Emo: MAYBE I WILL!!! Dan: NO YOU WON’T BECAUSE YOU’RE AN EMO PUSSY!!! Emo: So!!!! Dan: *slams door*

7. THEIR SELF PICS ARE GAY AS HELL *emo self pic* *loz self pic* *emo self pic* *loz self pic*

8. THEY CELEBRATE SELF MUTILATION Emo: Woah! Awesome cuts! Loz: Yeah… I’m almost dead. Emo: But not completely dead because we just do it for attention right? Loz: Yeah!!! Ha ha!!! *goes for high five* Emo: *goes for high five* Loz: Ow my cuts. Emo: Ow.

9. THEY’RE IN DENIAL IN SO MANY WAYS Dan: Why are you so Emo all the time kiddo? Emo: I’m not Emo! Dan: So you’re Goth? Emo: No! I don’t listen to their crap music! Dan: So… you have to be Emo. Emo: EMO IS A TYPE OF MUSIC!!! Dan: And it’s a type of doosh. Emo: You’re the reason I write crappy poems, cut myself & want to swallow pills till I die!!! Dan: Yeah, definitely Emo.

10. THEY GET REALLY BUTTHURT IF YOU MAKE FUN OF THEM *show clip of rod saying thing number 10* Loz: OH MY GOD I’M LEAVING A HATE COMMENT!!!! Loz: *types it in* You have no idea what emo is, you idiot, it’s about music! And you characters don’t even look emo, they look goth. God you’re so stupid, I’m unsubscribing! Rod: You do realize you’re just doing exactly what I’d say you do right? Loz: AHHH!!! YOUTUBE TALKING TO ME!!!!

Rod Danger’s Offensive Jokes

Posted on April 4, 2013 - Onision Scripts

[Image of video thumbnail, Greg as Rod Danger with the text "WORST JOKES EVER"]

ROD: I’VE HAD ENOUGH!!!! O: …Hi Rod. ROD: DON’T YOU “HI ROD” ME!!!! O: …wh… ROD: THERE HASN’T BEEN A HATERS UNITED FOR LIKE… FOREVER! O: …well… that’s because no one wants to work with you. ROD: …THAT’S NOT TRUE!!! O: How many co-hosts have you gone through? ROD: I HATE YOU!!!!! O: …exactly. ROD: *lifts gun* PUT ON THE COSTUME!!! O: Where did you get that gun? ROD: PUT ON THE COSTUME DOOSHNORT! O: …dooshnort? ROD: PUT IT ON!!!! O: …ok… ROD: *holds gun awkwardly* (for a while) O: *slowly puts on costume* ROD: HURRY UP!!!! O: I AM!!!! ROD: FASTER!!! O: OK!!!!!!! ROD: THAT’S GOOD!!! O: …now what? ROD: NOW I’M YOU AND YOU’RE DEAD! O: What? ROD: *fires* O: *dies* ROD: *rises back up* HI EVERYONE! TODAY WE’RE GOING TO DO OFFENSIVE JOKES!