5 Elements of Odd
Through out this life I dwell so happily in, I have noticed that so many cannot follow, or do not wish to follow what I have to say and how I say it. It seems most do not understand me, and this is one of the first times I have said this, for I usually ponder the thought deeply before such a up front statement is presented to an audience. I feel that others call me names, and hound my image only because they feel I am the opposition because of my words. Some of my current friends stay in such a social status because they can understand what I have to say, or they do not hate out of intimidation. I feel horrible saying such a word like intimidation, yet in all truth I have no other option to take then that very suggestion. Many say I have an ego, and I really deny such accusations. These people that say such things are not being fare with what I believe in. I see the human race as a group that is much weaker then its potential. I pity most because of this fact. I do not want to, yet that is the alternative option that I must travel down in response to my shocked face. I used to think that people could understand... Yet somehow I forgot to notice the reality that not many could understand the majority of who I am, and only my conscience's duplicate could agree, and ally with my entire meaning and philosophy on what this life we live in is supposed to be used for. I ask others why they eat unhealthy food, they tell me because it is "good", knowing that it is not "good" for them. I ask why we all seem to brake each other's hearts and no one can really come up with a just reason. No one I have met. I ask so many questions on why most believe in something, and they all do not have any logical reason of why. It is this world of pathetic empty hope that we all seem to strive towards anything that will make us all feel better about ourselves. Don't think I feel a sense of superiority, for in all truth I fear if others knew what I knew, they would surpass such aspects of life and advance beyond leaving me in the dust of one time wonders. I have fear similar to others, whether that is a fear that no one can deny, or a process that all would find threatening in itself. Often times I find that I cannot speak for my fellow males, for I do not feel the same way as they do. I cannot look at a girls breasts and say I would like to touch them, only because that part of a person should be left alone, for her to decide what happens to herself. I cannot agree to use drugs for that is just a weakness I do not need and will never let occur. I cannot allow others to treat each other in unwanted sexual ways because such a violation of space would be damaging to the fullest extents... is such a belief so wrong?
Besides what I rant about so often, there is a side I do not speak of as much. At times I find I must fill the gaps in a situation. If there is a boring situation, I feel I need to become the entertainment with jokes or conversation, if there is a person alone, I feel I need to go talk to them. When a person is crying, no matter who they are, I feel I need to hug them. Am I such a freak? Many situations have I seen a person break down, yet not an person comes to console their inner wounds... why is this? No matter who it is we should all help one another, we do not need religion to make ourselves feel it is all right to help another. What is so wrong with being a good person to another? As if we all are shackled and cannot move the average person just stands by and watched the pain occur, even laughter at times takes place. What horror I have gone through when it comes to true pain, laughter can even cause such agony... All because of one shallow person am I so effected...
This very day, I have found I adore more then one person... Such a horrible feeling... I do not want to ever like or feel for multiple people for in such a situation I cannot be happy... Such guilt when I look each individuals eyes... 4 girls... None I date... is this pitiful? Through out all relationships ever attempted, I have shut off all attraction for every girl I ever cared for and focus on the one of which I date... Though in all proof, I deny obsession for it is too unreliable... Until the next entry... This is a piece of me, please respect what I have to say, for I cannot take a deeper cut then when others harshly comment on my passion without restraint... talk to you all soon...
This entry expresses more of my poetic side… I hope you all like what I have done… Thank you again for reading this entry… They will not occur every day, it is more of a coincidence. Do you all think my poetry is better then my regular literature? Until the morrow.
Another day goes by, and soon I will find my last. Forty years from now, my existence will become the past. I find such truths, and I can’t deny, that on one day soon, the blade will I have to rely. I can’t look behind me, for it is all too far, I care for them all, no matter who you are. Some more then others, or so my mind does tell, I believe in so much, yet I ignore this hell. My face is what you all make it to be, so please make it good. I love this mind, yet question if I should. What tragedy shall come once my perceptions become lies? What shall I say, when passion in the world truly dies? A fact I must face is that this life of mine is too little, I just need so much more. This day of mine, it will trickle then pour. My hours fade away, and into distant days. My time is running out, my souls presence will deplete its ways. I look so far in the future; sometimes I cannot see what is so near. I tend to love so many, but that love is what I fear. Attach to another, hassle you all not, yet if one does attach, a web of hate will you be caught. Not a child’s perception, or philosophy in full, I hope you see my pencil as a razor, will it ever become dull?
A part of me, it shines in the sun. This part of me, it is happy and fun. Yet what shall I do when the sadness rises? When will I run away, when everyone realizes? I cannot let them know; yet what is there to hide, is this a fresh grape I have, or just a rotten toxin I have inside. What may I say? Can I say anything at all? Death will not find me ready, when he makes his call. Or will it be so, I am prepared and done. This life complete, or just over run. Defeated by the others, or so they all think, when will I return, before they even blink? This duration I have, am I worth such a time? Am I better then my fellow males? Or just more slime? So many questions I ask, but the answers are not to be told, for if I were to be notified, my conscience would grow old. For the answers we seek and some how hope to find, the answers would ruin our aspiration, and destroy each mind. These questions, my friends, they are what keeps us here, if you do not have a question, you head would never be clear. Drained of such life, drained of all need, it is on these souls, that the strong seem to need. Without the bricks the building would fall, though one does not matter, it would crumple with all. A little is better then none in complete. For this tower I have, I cannot crumple or defeat. A life like this is not to be killed, but some how with such beatings, the others seem so thrilled.
What change have we all made, if any are there. It seems that even I wonder if others care. Is this so basic, a fool like a closed mind? When will my oblivious nature leave, what fact shall I soon find? A story told is a story conceived, a story given, for others once believed. Now we are twisted, torn till we fade, every aspect of life, someone has seemed to degrade. Where does it all end? And where did it start? What is idiocy? And who is smart? We have all lost our sense of power, for alls we seem to be able to mold, a broken hand, and a broken mind to fold.
Our existence is truly not all about dismay, yet such a fact, does not come to your door and say “here is your joy, so take it and run” My dearest readers, you have to make a choice now, what future will you lead, to which love will you bow? Everyone seems to not see… We need no insults, yet they are all inevitable to not read. To look, to hear, to touch, and feel, we know this hatred of our world, but only deny it with an alcoholic meal. Drain away our sorrows, and so we do the next day… The others around us, we all seem to pay. My own drunken nature, of the oblivious trait. I do not mean to hurt others yet I find it to be near late. I run, I scream, I laugh, and I rant; yet why do others feel like they can’t. Such honor and image lamination, to find worry in emotional domination. The act of fear, and the act of too much pride, will leave the others, left open and wide. We must all look in ourselves, and find what is so true. I can’t convince for it is a force you must control, whether these words effect you, I am still left in the coals. A fire above of which I inspire, yet the flames will burn out, if I lose such desire… Learn my friends, I need to learn from all of you. I cannot live a life where none can hear me through.
Let me speak, for I have much to chant, I will leave a part three soon, so ponder what I have to say, express what I hope you will soon rant. A body is what we all are given, so use your time, ignore all drugs and eliminate the overuse of wine. Drugs are not just an addiction, they are your life’s defeat, listen to these words, this is only one aspiration I must meet.
Another life fades, like the rest in this sky… I find I am not left so much alone, and I stop wondering why… [sighs] I do not like to worry about what other people are thinking. Such a thing can make me act paranoid and overly aware at times… Through out this life I lead, I have had nothing but joy and oblivion to what exactly occurs… I have hit this base of life and not even stopped to ponder what has happened… and why I am in such a state of mind as I am now. In life I believe that depth is everything and most school material (math, science, business planning) is rather pointless, and useless at that. There are such times in the lives of us all where we need such basic skills in algebra and below, yet what is this geometry that is taught and forced into the heads of the un deciding? It is all in truth a fool’s game to play. In such a category, I cannot be an important voice. For like so many my voice has the tendency to become one-sided on such a subject. This assumption, which strangely, I accuse my self of, is highly un true. Though at this moment in time, I do not feel up to discussing. School is a matter that will get very little recognition for what it has attempted to shape me to be… A conformist.
Over time I have seen a girl come and another leave… I have had an interestingly common (oxymoron) love life. Though I have had many previous girlfriends (13), only two of the group have I actually fallen deeply in love with. After such time of deception, and treasury with the first truly significant other, I attempted to move on to another, that other was a sad, yet true example of one sided conversation, which ultimately ended our relationship. After that, I found a lovely girl named Christine… She was probably my most cherished girlfriend for she always seemed to care, and with such care, I felt a mutual feeling. Only compassion and care can get us to another level of comprehension and understanding of one another. If we can see deep within each other, there would rarely ever be debates, and all would know who is a good person and who is corrupt. Though, is that not what makes our lives a little more twisted and interesting?
Most recently I have been going through a stage, if not eternal, somewhat like a dream. Only one person fits into such a dream, yet in full, it makes the rest of the world so much more mysterious yet so predictable. I have such anticipation, yet I already know what is behind my door waiting to jump out and hug me with all its might. Is there a perfect one out there? Is there one for you? I am quite sure there is no perfect individual for you or I… yet there is always one rather similar if not alike in almost every single way. We should all not put up with mistakes like cheating, and mischievous acts upon one another, for such an act seems to be a cry of inner sadness that the person is to idiotic to realize that they are in love with another, or have yet to find a greatly similar one, therefore resorting to disgusting and promiscuous acts.
In life you will all find those who care, those who hate, those who love, those who cry, those who suicide, and many other types of individuals. What type is meant for you? It is true that opposites do attract… yet with one who is loyal, does the other not have a lack in fidelity? There are the common traits that are also the crucial ones… At such an event, true love can occur; a fascination in not knowing what the other will say can some times be thrilling. Everyone has his or her preferences… Yet is it not satisfying enough to dive into another’s and find a place that welcomes you as if it did not notice you did not originally belong there?
A person can go throughout their lives worrying if the other will cheat on them. A person can go through out their existences hoping that there cherished one will not go back to whatever restricted act or addiction of which they originally had a ignorant pleasure from. But what is the point in worrying your entire relationship only to find that that person had been deceiving you all along? Why not wait for and seek the one you need in your life. They are all out there… Why not go look now? A lifetime of love is ahead of you, only if you give it a chance. A heart is a terrible thing to waste; we all technically have one, yet that does not mean we all use them.
I have such past pain of torment and treachery inside my soul. A love of mine once is a love of mine forever… Today I have gone through such memory of a time when pain was in its climax and I was at my lowest point. I have never tried to suicide, yet I have pondered the outcome if such an event were to take place. This pain in my past, I am glad I still have, for if I would not, then that means my love for others could never be genuine.
I have never been able to truly express or figure out why so many things about sexual predators and violators disturb me so deeply… I have my reasons, yet they are as deep as one who has had their daughter or even brother a victim… I have no past of being hurt or destroyed by any sexual predators. I have been touched or hurt by no one in such a way. The only ones who have ever done anything within relevance are my ex’s, which was always in a positive way. In a lot of ways I feel as if I should protect all females from such pain and torment from a perverted male… And when such news is found where one of the dearest ones to me or even distant have been hurt… I must avenge them. This very day I have no power politically or to most adult’s eyes. I have already made it my mission to deplete any threat to each male and females choice to who they wish to consummate with as long as it is a mutual feeling. I have planted my roots to grow so deep that no fire may blaze away the cause… There will always be a trace of my message… It can never die.
Day after day, I must condone the actions of others and blame it all on adolescent minds and the young life. I have been one to experience such effects though, yet I had always found it highly controllable. It is a pity that we cannot all only look for those that look for us. Or only care find appeal in the ones we already have and not the ones we alternately desire. Why must so many couple’s eyes be for many other shells and bodies. A girl falling for a man with “ripped” abs can be a guy falling into his own ripped heart. A male looking for a slice of his pie could be a girl’s slice on her wrist. This society of ours is twisted. If there ever was a “god” he is a sick fellow for letting all these things happen when he knows he could change it with one flick of his wrist… If there is a “god” he is a disgustingly sadistic one.
Over all this time I have found so much hate and horror that it is hard to find a light… I have finally found a source of heat and bliss… yet it may just be temporary… for I fear I will breath to deeply upon this dear candle and it will fade away… I will be in this darkness only to walk where I feel my feet should follow.
While the others play their games, I write, when the others watch their TV, I write… There is nothing better then writing, except passion and love in itself… and my love would be nothing without these words, without the computer, and without my literacy. There are so many things that seem to twiddle my life in their delicate fingers that I am not even sure if my own candle will burn right through my life’s string.
Tomorrow will define my fate, and so will minutes from now… This is not a significant event but yet time in itself. There is nothing to look deep into at times… there is nothing… Yet when you are all not looking, there is a void that you pass without a glance, and this my friends is my own bottomless pit.
There have been enough entries about me for now… how about how I perceive all of you? I hope it makes all of you smile… I hope it does not bring you down… I hope too much… And yet all this hope is for you…
Males: I have a swaying opinion about the males for I grew up with few around. All I have seen to this point are males constantly looking for a girl to have sex with… You cannot put every male in this country in the same category for, as all, so many fall into different categories. Most males seem to like sports, girls, and beer. I having little to no interest in sports or beer it is hard to sympathize with their actions.
I think males are mostly confused, with no place to look for guidance except their porn freak father, it seems that they turn out the same as that very man. Those without fathers seem to disrespect their mothers because of a lack in respect of why she is alone, or even the exact opposite of that feeling towards their fathers. Many times over males seem to view the female as weak and innocent, and when those females are not innocent the boys act like they are trash. Our entire society in general feeds off each other of how to act. I for some reason (not conceited) have not listened to society’s words and claims about my sex, and followed a path of my own. Most other males seem to place this stamp upon my head before I even speak to others… If you wish to see more about males, go to the anti perversion page.
Females: I believe I do not write enough about the female sex. For they are a marvel far above others. Most seem to act weak because of what they are told to do, but yet can take in so much stress, anger, sadness, and rage and put it aside ignoring their temptations to explode. I say so often, this does not include everyone, yet for the most part women and girls alike take too much pain and damage in then they mostly dish out. Often times when they receive pain they give that pain to others, causing a chain effect to pass on to others. Yet in most scenarios it seems that the female is the dominant of the sex’s and is always more successful and nurturing in the process. To me there is no such thing as a fully cold female. If you say certain things to them they will crack into tears and anguish. In best metaphorical comparison, males are warm diseased rusty steel blades with a core of a sponge like material and females are a small stuffed animal with a claws that can retract and warmth all around. Females are also damp and have metal like legs to hold their ground in nearly any occasion.
Both: We humans are overall weak when it comes to certain events. Males are weak when it comes to serious relationships, and females seem to be true to what they are all around. Yet as a whole we seem to be poison to each other. This poison will most likely never kill you yet it will torture you to the fullest extents of your existences. Just worrying alone about whether the love of your life will cheat on you is a repetitive trend of our pathetic human race. There are too many people out there who say rape is wrong when they would do it themselves. There are too many people who only care about themselves. We as a whole should see each others eyes and heart and finally realize that the person writing this, the person you go home to, and the people you see every day DO have feelings and they often times know what you are going through yet have no way to express that. You may notice yourself worrying about how you are going to look on a date and whether or not everyone will like your new outfit at school. EVERYONE ELSE IS WORRYING ABOUT THE SAME THING. When you harshly criticize others you are just contributing to them saying you have a crappy outfit on as well… When you look at people and say they are ugly you are just saying that about yourself. For if you were not aware, everywhere you walk people seem to judge you for what you appear to be not what you are. We people are hurtful yet somewhat loving creatures when we all get the chance. Do not hate, but watch your mouth and lower your voice, for they can hear you, and you are very much the same as the one you scream at. There are always exceptions, yet this is the common case of reality.